Friday, December 10, 2004

Praise report

Justin has been doing really well at school. This is despite the fact that he has been talking to his mom more, and thus been let down time and time again by her. Normally he would be getting suspended again. But instead he is flourishing. Praise God for His answers to prayer. Here is what his teacher wrote me today:

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I just wanted to write you a short note to let you know how great Justin has been doing over the last couple weeks. He is very focused and is taking more responsibility for his behavior in the classroom. Even his handwriting has improved over the last two weeks. He is doing a wonderful job of expressing his ideas and showing me what he knows and understands. Great job Justin! “

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Two things are happening that could account for this. The Ancient Paths thing, with the prayer for breaking curses is one. Another is a double prayer-chain-attack. I’ve got my church on call, and my parents have theirs. Whatever it is, ultimately, God is showing mercy and compassion on my family, and I am eternally grateful for that.

And while I’m thanking God, let me try to put words to what was rolling around in my head as I prayed last night… I caught myself fantasizing about how nice and clean things would be if my ex just… well… passed away. Not in any horrible or painful way. I don’t wish her ill. I just wish she would go away. The thought is insidious like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Because I know I don’t have any malice towards her, I didn't feel too bad about it. Until it hit me how vile the mind that would hope for such a thing is. Like the mind that would 'compassionately' take the old, infirm, or mentally challenged, and put them to sleep. It’s a sin of convenience rather than spite, so it’s harder to detect, but the wickedness is the same. It would be more convenient for me, so murder has occurred in my heart. I’ve asked for forgiveness. Though I think the biggest problem is that I’m not embracing this time of uncertainty and messiness the way I ought to be. I’ve learned that these times of difficulty are extremely good for me. Yet I fight it every time I fantasize about things being different than they are. My fastidious nature wants everything in life to be easily quantified, analyzed, categorized and dealt with in a neat and orderly fashion. That overly simplistic view is what fueled my tenacity to keep my marriage together despite what reality had to say about it. And now it’s causing me to disconnect from the valley I’m going through. I’m guessing that I’m prolonging the process with my resistance. The sooner I can learn what I need to know, the sooner I will find the valley fallen behind me, and the light of peace shining on my face.

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