A productive weekend

And all it took was not playing Civilization IV. (In my defense, everyone I know who plays it is addicted, and it won almost every Game of the Year award out there.) It finally loosened its grip enough for me to resist playing it at all this weekend. And I got SO much done. Kids laundry, reading, tons of sculpture time, play time with the boys, groceries, hair cuts, early valentine date with my wife, Sunday school teaching, and on and on.

I don't understand the compulsion that grips me when I find a game that I love. Thankfully it only happens once a year or so. I've only bought one game for myself in the past year. But it's still disturbing to me that a desire to play a game can overpower so many other important things like family time, my big dreams, and even sleep. I suppose most people have something like this in their lives. Like watching sports or hanging out at bars. I wonder if I should feel as guilty as I do about my game time. I think the biggest problem is that it underscores a big problem I have with my life: the fact that God gave me this humongous dream that seems completely impossible and requires a giant amount of work, but He also gave me a body that is chronically sleepy. I'm driven to accomplish this dream, so things that seem less important - like alone-time playing a favorite computer game – are like throwing water on the fire of my goal. I don't resent the time I spend playing Legos with the kids, or relaxing with my wife, or helping at church because I believe those are more important than my dream. And since the only way it could possibly be accomplished is by divine intervention, it just makes good business sense to put God's priorities first.

I still don't have a clue how I can make significant progress towards my goal. I had this thought that if I quit my job, moved in with my parents for a couple of years, and cut expenses to almost nothing, THEN I could dedicate the time required to flesh this thing out. That would solve our not-being-able-to-live-in-a-house-with-a-yard-and-a-workshop problem. And our not-having-relitives-close-so-when-we-have-a-baby-we-have-support problem. But there are numerous downsides that render the plan useless. Like the fact that I'd be a 30-something married guy living with my parents. (Which I guess is the norm in other countries…) And we would have to leave our Church. And my wife is appropriately wary of potential interpersonal issues that inevitably arise in these kinds of situations. Not to mention the fact that we weren't invited! (I don't know if my parents could handle it.)

My other idea is to start a successful business in a related field where I could be my own boss, set my own hours, and be able to allocate more time to developing my idea. It's the successful part that's going to be the trick. I figure if I can sculpt for a living that would be ideal. So I'm going to look into what I can do to make that idea fly.

But then there is the thought that makes me very sad. And that is that perhaps "My Big Dream" is not "Mine" at all. Maybe the reason I'm always sleepy is to keep me from taking it all the way. Maybe I'm just supposed to plant it in someone else and they will get to run with it. After all, if the purpose of it is to bring glory to God, then the person who carries it out really doesn’t matter. But God never clarified that for me, and considering that this big dream is most likely just a wish fulfillment thing… looking at my skills and passion, and packaging it in such a way that I think God could use them… I suppose ultimately it doesn’t matter. I will work towards what I think I should be, and God will either bless it or He won't. Who knows, maybe I'll get to utilize these skills and passions perfectly in the next world.


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