Saturday, March 01, 2014

Mathematical Proof that My Wife is the Most Beautiful Woman In The World

Don’t take  it personally, every-other-woman-in-the-world.  Numbers don’t lie.  While I may not be a mathemagician, I’ve crunched the numbers in an attempt to convince my wife of this fact.  But I doubt even this will be able to crack the crippling self-doubt she and so many women like her share.  For her, and her sistren out there who have this self-image problem, let me explain the premise I’m working with.  Actually, before I do that, let me make it clear I’m not doing the whole “I'm going to SAY she's beautiful… (even if she’s really ugly) because it makes life easier.” crap that so many husbands fall back on when they can’t articulate things well.  Me; I can articulate the crap out of anything.  So here’s the premise that seems obvious to me but completely impossible for so many women to comprehend.  A woman’s beauty is a multi-dimensional thing.  If you get caught up on the superficial physical attributes you will totally miss this.  If you attach numerical values to things like symmetry, skin blemishes, varicose veins, split ends, etc. you will always feel inadequate because many people out there will have higher scores than you.  And as you age you will feel less and less confident, more and more ugly, and this will manifest in all sorts of awful ways.  Don’t get me wrong, there are some men out there who focus solely on the superficial, and to them, you will never be the most beautiful woman in the world, and I hope you didn’t marry a man like that.  


But the good news is that I think MOST men have at least some grasp of the other dimensions of beauty that exist whether they realize it or not.  And here’s the better news: these dimensions are not simply additional points that get added on top of your physical beauty total, but they are multipliers.  Here are the categories:


Physical Beauty, Character Compatibility, and Shared History.  


Let me break these down for you.  Physical Beauty is obvious.  Character Compatibility is how closely your values match my values.  I actually sat down and figured out what my top 12 values were back when I designed a ceremony for my sons to pass those values on.  So it’s really easy for me to see where my values and my wife’s values align.  Personal History is essentially what kind of relational capital the two of us have built up.  Our shared experiences, the way we’ve treated each other over the years, the joys and sorrows and stresses we’ve supported each other through.  


So when I look at a woman, any woman, I am see them through this matrix of equations.  Not consciously of course.  But my attraction to them is filtered this way.  I’ve seen plenty of very physically beautiful women and not found myself attracted to them because they completely lack the second two stats.(to me)  Being a male in the modern world I’ve seen pornography, being an artist I’ve drawn nude female models.  But I’ve never experienced desire for any of these women because, again, my experience with them is one dimensional.  Even if I got to know a People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman in the World, and found her to share a lot of my values, she would still be missing the vital Personal History dimension.  This is why my wife doesn’t have to worry about another woman out there who is more beautiful than her.  It just can’t happen.  It’s mathematically impossible.  


Here’s my example:  PB=6 x CC=9 x SH=8


So 6x9=54  54x8=432.  Now let’s say Super Sexy Woman is all like, “Oh Josh, you’re SO great, you should be with ME instead of your wife!”  I’d be all like, “Well let’s see, you may be a perfect 10 in the Physical Beauty department,(as though such a thing exists!) now let’s multiply that by your Character Compatibility… which, given that you’re wanting to destroy a marriage puts it at around…. oh… zero.  And our Shared History is… zero.”  No wait, for the sake of argument let’s say she’s been a friend or co-worker of years, so let’s say we’ve got a Shared History of 5 or something.  So we do my little calculation: PB=10x CC=0.  If I remember grade school at all, any number multiplied by zero equals zero, so that’s zero.  Now we multiply that by our Shared History of 5.  0x5 = still zero.  So there you have it.  Mathematical proof that my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world.   432 > 0

If you’re a husband who recognizes the truth in how my equation applies to your wife, feel free to share this with your her, (You’ll have to use your own numbers for her of course) and maybe, just maybe she will start to recognize the REAL beauty she has.  I can only imagine how much healthier our society would be if more wives realized that they were the most beautiful woman in the world.  

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if you have a scale of 1 to 10 instead of 0 to 10?

That won't let you exploit the 0 for your own cause :P
Also it makes it viable to love the most ugly person in the world, who would otherwise have been 0, making the total score 0. Although her score would get 100 at most, so even some mediocre person with 5,5,5 (125 total) as a score would beat her even though she is perfect in 2 categories.
Which also gives you a problem.

You could instead use an exponential formula like a^x + b^y + c^z which would make higher scores count even more. x,y,z would be 1-10 and then you could use a, b and c to value different traits with different importance.
So for example a (beauty) could be 0.5, b (character compatibility) could be 1.2, c (common history) could be 0.7.
So in this case if the score was 1,7,5 it would give roughly 4.25 as a score. If you switch around them so that they are 7,1,5, the rounded score 1.38 even though you use the same numbers.

But it all in the end boils down to what formula you use, what numbers you use, what multipliers you use and these are all a matter of your opinion.

So you may as well just say "I love you because you are who you are and you fit together with me". The math is just an unnecessarily complicated way to say exactly that. And it may give them the question "do you need math to figure that out?" which gets you into a trap that you will have a hard time to get out of ;)

7:41 AM  
Blogger Joshua C. Foreman said...

Oh, great points! You know a problem is hard when it drives an artist to try to use math (poorly) to make a point! ;)

10:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your math was ok and it was a valiant effort for a good cause :)

I absolutely understand your problem. I have to deal with that too even though I have no wife or girlfriend. And I have no idea how to do it myself. And good god have I gone into many traps trying :(

It really is a hard problem.
I have way too little experience in it to be able to give any good advice but if it is a large problem for you and your wife, maybe you (just you yourself at a start) could talk to a psychologist about how to deal with it.
If she's very insecure or perhaps even depressed, it would maybe be a good idea to take her with you to a psychotherapist and try to deal with it that way.

These people know how the mind works and might be able to help you. But getting there can be a very hard task. Not many people want to go there but feels it's humiliating and I would probably think so too. But it's very helpful.

But before trying to convince her that that is a good idea, you should probably investigate the matter yourself with a psychologist first, perhaps via mail.

But there's only so much you can do yourself without such knowledge :/
It's very easy to end up doing things that worsen it instead of making things better. So if the problem is large and if it's possible, I'd recommend psychiatric help in some shape or form.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Joshua C. Foreman said...

Oh my. I never considered that this could seem like a desperate cry for help! But no, this is not a serious problem by any means. It seems like a very common issue a lot of women have in our culture, and it doesn't affect our marriage adversely. Thanks for the concern though! :)

8:52 PM  
Blogger kate bee said...

Yes, it is an extremely commonality. Our culture breeds women to be outwardly and impossibly beautiful at all times. Every time I see SciFi apocalyptic show with full hair and make up model like women that have scenes of them talking about not having water, I shed an inner tear. I mean on so many levels that's just not how the population would look, but for women you could say it sends a message of expectations of beauty even during post apocalyptic times! I'm being funny of course but, I'm also making a point - its a little true. Actually more true than I'd like to admit. That's why hearing mkre men talk about the depth of attraction like this is so important for women today. Not only women, pre teens... There is more than beauty. I wrote a spoken word piece in collage titled "Looking for God in my Make up bag." And its true. If we can be beautiful we will be desired. If we are desired we can be accepted. If we are not beautiful enough we don't get that extra twinkling eye from everyone we meet. As I age I experience this, and struggling to make sure my security is not in my sexualized image I so easily portrayed in college with God in my make up bag, well - I may still have some growing to do. Men saying beautiful is deeper than sexualization in America is something I will always appreciate.

11:34 AM  
Blogger kate bee said...

Ahem - in 'college' not 'collage'...

11:35 AM  
Blogger kate bee said...

Ahem - in 'college' not 'collage'...

11:36 AM  
Blogger kate bee said...

Yes, it is an extremely commonality. Our culture breeds women to be outwardly and impossibly beautiful at all times. Every time I see SciFi apocalyptic show with full hair and make up model like women that have scenes of them talking about not having water, I shed an inner tear. I mean on so many levels that's just not how the population would look, but for women you could say it sends a message of expectations of beauty even during post apocalyptic times! I'm being funny of course but, I'm also making a point - its a little true. Actually more true than I'd like to admit. That's why hearing mkre men talk about the depth of attraction like this is so important for women today. Not only women, pre teens... There is more than beauty. I wrote a spoken word piece in collage titled "Looking for God in my Make up bag." And its true. If we can be beautiful we will be desired. If we are desired we can be accepted. If we are not beautiful enough we don't get that extra twinkling eye from everyone we meet. As I age I experience this, and struggling to make sure my security is not in my sexualized image I so easily portrayed in college with God in my make up bag, well - I may still have some growing to do. Men saying beautiful is deeper than sexualization in America is something I will always appreciate.

11:37 AM  

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