Mathematical Proof that My Wife is the Most Beautiful Woman In The World
Don’t take it personally, every-other-woman-in-the-world. Numbers don’t lie. While I may not be a mathemagician, I’ve crunched the numbers in an attempt to convince my wife of this fact. But I doubt even this will be able to crack the crippling self-doubt she and so many women like her share. For her, and her sistren out there who have this self-image problem, let me explain the premise I’m working with. Actually, before I do that, let me make it clear I’m not doing the whole “I'm going to SAY she's beautiful… (even if she’s really ugly) because it makes life easier.” crap that so many husbands fall back on when they can’t articulate things well. Me; I can articulate the crap out of anything. So here’s the premise that seems obvious to me but completely impossible for so many women to comprehend. A woman’s beauty is a multi-dimensional thing. If you get caught up on the superficial physical attributes you will totally miss this. If you attach numerical values to things like symmetry, skin blemishes, varicose veins, split ends, etc. you will always feel inadequate because many people out there will have higher scores than you. And as you age you will feel less and less confident, more and more ugly, and this will manifest in all sorts of awful ways. Don’t get me wrong, there are some men out there who focus solely on the superficial, and to them, you will never be the most beautiful woman in the world, and I hope you didn’t marry a man like that.
But the good news is that I think MOST men have at least some grasp of the other dimensions of beauty that exist whether they realize it or not. And here’s the better news: these dimensions are not simply additional points that get added on top of your physical beauty total, but they are multipliers. Here are the categories:
Physical Beauty, Character Compatibility, and Shared History.
Let me break these down for you. Physical Beauty is obvious. Character Compatibility is how closely your values match my values. I actually sat down and figured out what my top 12 values were back when I designed a ceremony for my sons to pass those values on. So it’s really easy for me to see where my values and my wife’s values align. Personal History is essentially what kind of relational capital the two of us have built up. Our shared experiences, the way we’ve treated each other over the years, the joys and sorrows and stresses we’ve supported each other through.
So when I look at a woman, any woman, I am see them through this matrix of equations. Not consciously of course. But my attraction to them is filtered this way. I’ve seen plenty of very physically beautiful women and not found myself attracted to them because they completely lack the second two stats.(to me) Being a male in the modern world I’ve seen pornography, being an artist I’ve drawn nude female models. But I’ve never experienced desire for any of these women because, again, my experience with them is one dimensional. Even if I got to know a People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman in the World, and found her to share a lot of my values, she would still be missing the vital Personal History dimension. This is why my wife doesn’t have to worry about another woman out there who is more beautiful than her. It just can’t happen. It’s mathematically impossible.
Here’s my example: PB=6 x CC=9 x SH=8
So 6x9=54 54x8=432. Now let’s say Super Sexy Woman is all like, “Oh Josh, you’re SO great, you should be with ME instead of your wife!” I’d be all like, “Well let’s see, you may be a perfect 10 in the Physical Beauty department,(as though such a thing exists!) now let’s multiply that by your Character Compatibility… which, given that you’re wanting to destroy a marriage puts it at around…. oh… zero. And our Shared History is… zero.” No wait, for the sake of argument let’s say she’s been a friend or co-worker of years, so let’s say we’ve got a Shared History of 5 or something. So we do my little calculation: PB=10x CC=0. If I remember grade school at all, any number multiplied by zero equals zero, so that’s zero. Now we multiply that by our Shared History of 5. 0x5 = still zero. So there you have it. Mathematical proof that my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world. 432 > 0
If you’re a husband who recognizes the truth in how my equation applies to your wife, feel free to share this with your her, (You’ll have to use your own numbers for her of course) and maybe, just maybe she will start to recognize the REAL beauty she has. I can only imagine how much healthier our society would be if more wives realized that they were the most beautiful woman in the world.