3 Strikes and I'm OUT... of Options






You know things are grim when I resort to sports metaphors.

This week I got news back from two really incredible interviews with companies I probably would have loved to work for. Both were a No. So that is now 3 places where I had an extended interview that went super well, everybody clicked, jokes were made and received, "We'll get back to you soon!" with smiles were given. 

I've been on the other end of interviews many times. So intellectually, I understand that there are SO many reasons -that have nothing to do with the candidate- for not going ahead with them. I know that taking any of this personally -as a reflection of my worth to my chosen profession- would be silly. But man... I sure FEEL like this is a reflection of my worth to my chosen profession.
One thing that should theoretically help with these emotions is the fact that I really impressed a VERY fickle and high-prestige company, landing this contract at Moon Studios.


It's great that I get to work on an amazingly gorgeous and well-designed game along with some award-winning super talented folks all around the world. But as long as I don't have health insurance, and I'm paying over $2,100 a month for our coverage, we will always be financially sinking.
I'm supposed to be happy that we're SLOWLY sinking instead of quickly sinking. Again, I am... intellectually, rationally understanding that this is good. But I'm also 44 and have almost no retirement. I'm 23 years into a career in an industry that really doesn't care, and in fact, probably sees my experience as 'too much'; as a detriment. 

I think the thing I'm feeling the most is that what I'm truly gifted at is exactly what I'm doing on-the-side. And so far the only people paying me for that are the handful of the beautiful people on my Patreon, some Twitch subscribers, and folks who bought my book.




(All of which is about 1/50th of what I need to live) And so, emotionally, what I see as my destiny, and the mark I want to leave on the world is something that has to be relegated to evenings and weekends. (Welcome to the club, right?) It didn't used to be this way. Making games used to be my raison d'être. And it still would be if the industry hadn't failed to grasp what it is I have to offer. Or if I hadn't failed to capitalize on opportunities to do so that I'm just not inclined to see. Or if I didn't have some ineffable repellent personality that interviewers only come to understand after I leave the room...
I suppose with all the options I know of now exhausted (at least for now), I can begin to find a new normal. I'll get serious about dividing my time appropriately, figuring out a good and healthy schedule that includes my Moon contract work, Talifar progress, eating right and exercising, etc. Maybe I'll even find a way to squeeze some AAA gaming time in. (Probably not) I guess in a way I'm mourning the loss of what any of those 3 jobs would have brought me. A retirement account, enough money to fund faster/better development of Talifar, and peace of mind. Once I'm able to accept that those things are simply not going to be in my life at this time I can move on to making the best of what I've got. (Which, by historical standards, is astounding wealth, prosperity and health)




So closure is what I'm aiming for this week. I'm still getting that tearing at my soul when a random thought pops into my head about how one of those jobs could have lead to X, Y or Z. I know those painful thoughts will fade with time.

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