Monday, January 31, 2005

That Darn Girl is haunting me!

I dreamt of our first kiss last night. (The one that never happened and never will.) We were talking; I was mid-sentence and you leaned over and surprised me. The innocence of your being was like a purifying light. It shot through your lips and onto mine. Like the seraphim with the burning coal, the touch on my lips erased from my mind every past indiscretion that they had engaged in. They felt innocent again. The was no lust, only sweetness. It was the connecting of souls on that deepest level that I so long for.

This dream struck that cord of longing so hard, the resounding desire leaves me shaken and thirsty. How perverse it is that this desire for pure relation makes me want to wrestle the pen from God's hand and write our own story the way I want it to be.

~God, you said that it wasn't good for man to be alone, then you made him a woman. You took part of his body and fashioned her for him. What I want is pure and good. I want a woman who reflects the goodness that God put into me.~

And here is this jewel of a woman before me. Here you are. So beautiful and clear. Radiating goodness. I can see myself in you so easily, reflected back without a past that shames me. But in reality, that past is a shackle that holds me back. Just out of reach of this pearl that I would sell everything to attain. Everything but my soul… And yours. I can only imagine the burden on your soul that a divorced man with two kids would bring. How fast would your smile fade under that weight? How soon would the sparkle diminish in my precious jewel? I could say that the love and appreciation that I could shower on you would keep you pristine. My affectionate embrace would buff you to a fine polish. But would that be true? Would acquiring my love cause it to fade? Isn't that the way of all things that are put before Christ? As we futilely grasp for what we think will bring us joy, it decays and falls through our fingers. I know my hands are stained with rust. I've learned the way of the insidious moth. Everything that is not eternal will corrupt when put first. But what about a human? We are eternal. The beauty I see in this woman is from the inside out. It's her eternal attributes that make her shine so brightly. I want her light in my life so badly it's hurting me. And I wonder how deep that wound will go.

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