Thursday, January 27, 2005

Time for a voyage on the river of Guilt!

The waters are choppy. In fact this trip is ripping me apart. What can I do? I'm taxed to the limit on all fronts. I was unaware of just how far I was stretched until yesterday when I got another friendly email reminder from my supervisor. People are still thinking that I'm not putting in full days. We are getting near the end of our project, so everyone is working a lot of extra hours. I feel guilty that I can't do the same. I have been getting 40 hour weeks in. But just barely. And in the game industry, near the end of a project, it's not nearly enough.

This week I finally hired a new fill-in nanny for Tuesdays and Wednesdays. So I won't have to spend extra hours in the middle of the day out of the office. But the biggest problem seems to be the hour long workout I do at lunch. So I'm hearing that I need to stop that. Then I get to feel guilty about not taking care of my body. I'll just add that to the heap of guilt I already have about how I'm not spending enough fun time with my boys, how I'm not acting properly around Pretty Hair, and how I'm still sucking tons of money out of my parents. I feel like I'm on a stretching-rack. There is a guilt clamp on each limb, and it's been pulled as far as it can go. Kids, parents, work, health. Yeah, that works out to one for each limb. So I figure if I cut out one of those things I'll buy myself a little slack. As I go down the list I can only find one thing that I could morally disencumber myself of. No more exercise. I'm not looking forward to turning back into a slob. I feel so much better about myself when I'm not pudgy. I thought about working out at home. That would mean less time interacting with the kids. Less time for reading. Less time for making art I hope to sell. So I guess I just have to bite the bullet.

I was such a mess yesterday. I was on the verge of tears. I really wanted to quit my job and give up. But then I realized that I don't really have any back-up plan, so that wouldn't do any good. My supervisor talked to me today. I think he got wind that I was thinking about quitting. (I told my friend about my problem earlier, and she must have blabbed.) He told me to hang in there. That this company is on the verge of big things. Profit sharing and big bonuses. The behemoth Korean company that owns us is projecting huge numbers for our game and promoting it accordingly. He thinks my financial problems will go away soon if I stick around. I just need to keep my head down and show what I can do. He says management wants me to head up a new level design division once we ship our initial product. So I suppose I just need to suck it up and focus on my task at hand. I'm still not sure that dropping my physical fitness routine will make my life better, but at least I will keep my career on track.

But this is no way to live. Guilt has a function. It's supposed to make you change your wrong behavior. But what about the cases where you are behaving poorly because you're trying to do too many things? I don't think God wants me to suffer with guilt over what I can't change. But since it hasn't gone away, perhaps there is something I can change that I just haven't realized yet. I know I can concentrate on my work better. (I tend to get carried away with online forums.) Maybe that will do the trick.

2 Comments:

Blogger Ben said...

Dang bro,

Sorry to hear that you've been suffering. I'll be prayin' for you. Just remember to look to the Lord for strength and guidance... keep your focus on Him and only Him. It seems as if you're a little distracted from that. I know that's one of my biggest struggles, just staying 100% focused on God and giving Him the go to do what he wants in my life. I tend to keep stuff to myself.

Try giving up your guilt completely to Him. Maybe cut your workout to a half-hour. That's still more than enough. And remember that God knows your needs and He'll provide them for you if you look to Him for His guidance.

That's prolly stuff you hear a lot, and I'm not sure if it's helpful... but know that I'm praying for you and I care about you, even though I've never met you.

God bless!

Ben

9:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did tell him, Josh because I don't want you to quit. That, and I think it would give you more problems to worry about than it would solve. I think you realize that, though. So it may have been against better judgement, but I think in the long run you won't have cared that I told him. You'll see.

12:26 PM  

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