How to survive in the wilderness

Dear Mr. Knowitall,

I'm lost in the woods. Do you have any advice?

There are several ways to save yourself from death when you are lost in the woods. I happen to know of a few ways that might work. Here are a few suggestions to start you off with:

1. Forest fires can be your friend. If you burn down the woods, you won't have anywhere to be lost. Just make sure you stand in a lake or river so that the fire won't consume you along with the evil forest.
2. But stay away from water if there is a lightning storm. If you have already started the forest fire, and then a lightning storm rolls in, then you are being punished for making fun of that retarded girl in 3^rd grade.
3. Moss always grows on the outside of trees and rocks. Use that to guide you.
4. Water seldom travels uphill. Try not to drown in any of it.
5. Remember, it takes fewer calories to scream and run around in circles flailing your arms than it does to think.
6. You can easily outrun any sort of dangerous wildlife. It might improve your moral to mock them, then run away when they charge. Remember that if you loose your moral, something really bad will happen to you.
7. Always, always remember that you eat food, but drink water.
8. If you break a limb, don't worry, trees don't feel pain. (At least not much!)
9. Survival is more a mental game than it is a physical one. Use your mental powers to wish yourself home.
10. Be sure to tear your shirt off if you’re a man, and rip your skirt if you’re a woman. Being lost in the wilderness is much sexier that way.
11. Never throw away your matches.
12. If you have a helicopter with fuel, and you know how to fly it, use that to fly to civilization.

Assuming you are not in a magical forest, there are probably animals that you can kill and eat. Generally, humans are smarter than animals. This is fortunate, as animals are stronger, faster, have a better sense of smell, have fangs and claws, and don't rely on technology to keep them safe from nature. Really, now that I think about it, you don't have much of a chance. Smarts will only get you so far. Here are few ways to end your life before you are embarrassingly eaten by an animal:

1. Walk directly into a large body of water while carrying your T.V. or other heavy object, and don't start swimming. Keep walking until you drown.
2. Find the tallest tree and wait for it to fall on you.
3. If you're in a rag-tag group of people who are getting picked off one-by-one by some sort of unseen foe, either complain a lot, act cowardly, or be the corporate jerk who is responsible for the whole mess.
4. Find a native to befriend. They can probably talk to animals, and will think it's hilarious when they tell them to eat you.
5. Eat as many pine-cones as you can as fast as you can.
6. Find a really tall cliff and wait at the bottom for a boulder to fall on you.

If none of these steps work, you might as well try to get something to eat. Remember that for hundreds of years, people survived without supermarkets or SUVs, so you can too! Here are ways to feed yourself in nature:

1. Look for holes in riverbanks or around trees. Ram your arm in and flail your hand around searching for eggs or something.
2. Some berries are poisonous, so only eat enough to build up an immunity to their poison.
3. Bread is made of wheat, which is a kind of a grass, so I guess you could eat grass.
4. Look for spigots in the trunks of trees. They are probably collecting syrup. Add pancakes for a delicious breakfast.
5. Roll in the mud to disguise yourself as a little rain cloud, then ride a balloon up to a beehive and steal the honey.
6. Cows can chew their cud. Try that.
7. Sometimes animals die of natural causes; their carcass's rotting on the forest floor covered in maggots. That's gross.
8. I'll bet some kinds of moss are edible.
9. Beware of Poison Ivy and Poison Oak. Those are NOT for eating. They are for wiping.
10. If you have a grenade or TNT, throw it in a lake and it will kill a bunch of fish. The dead fish will float to the surface and attract crows, which you can kill by throwing rocks at them. Crow meat is not very tender, but it will do in a pinch.
11. Mushrooms are super disgusting. Think about it: they are related to Athletes Foot. Also, they inspired some really crappy music in the 60's.
12. If you want to kill and eat a bear, you better have a strong stick. Like at least three inches thick, and probably more than four feet long. You can just use it as a blunt weapon, or you can sharpen it and use the pointed end as a toothpick. (Because bear meat is really stringy and gets stuck in your teeth really easily.)

Once you have survived an ordeal like this, it's important to incorporate the experience into your life. In fact, you should try to work it into every conversation you have.

1. "I'd like a Big Mac with… I once fought a bear. It was big. I mean REALLY BIG…"
2. "Son, I am so proud of this report card. Like I'm proud of myself for finding my way out of that god-forsaken wilderness."
3. Here is that report sir. I had to stay late to finish it… Almost as late as that night I tracked down the wolf that bit off my left foot. But I GOT her. AND her four young pups. Slaughtered them.
4. Will you marry me? Hold on… Before you answer… Did I ever tell you about the time I had to drink my OWN BLOOD TO SURVIVE IN THE WILD?!?!

I hope these tips will help you in your search for survival. If not, I guess you won't be around to complain about it. Ha!