How to get a woman

Dear Mr. Knowitall,

I'm thinking of getting a woman. Do you have any advice?

Owning a woman is a lot like owning a snake. But getting them is half the fun.

Some men have found a lot of success with women simply by being themselves. This technique may work with a mature, down-to-earth woman; but who wants one of those?! Off to the bar! This is the second-best place to find a woman. It's just like in real estate and philosophy, there are only three things that are important: location, location, and… Crap. I forgot the third thing. Anyway, when it comes to finding everlasting love, there is no better place to find it than where shallow, desperate people drown their feelings of meaninglessness in alcohol. When selecting a woman, there are a few things you want to look for to make sure you are getting the highest-quality woman available.

1. Look for bruises or dark marks. These could indicate damage during shipping.
2. Don't forget to use your sense of smell. You can often weed out the bad ones by scent alone. Try walking by groups of them with your eyes closed to develop this skill.
3. The 'tap test' is a handy way to ensure freshness. Rap lightly on them with your knuckles and listen for what kind of sound they make. If you hear a sloshing sound you know they have been out too long.

After you have sufficiently thinned the herd, you can focus your efforts on the select few left. I'm going to let you in on a little secret. High quality women only like what they can't have. This is true of clothes, cars, food, and even water. It's like they say: "The grass is always greener in Paradise City." So if you want a woman, you will have to not be available to her. Here are some ways to make her feel like she can never have you:

1. Wear a wedding ring. This will give her the impression that you like gold. Which of course means that you have expensive taste.
2. Wear handcuffs to give the impression that you are an escaped convict. Women love a man behind bars.
3. Wear a priest's robes.
4. Don't wear anything. This communicates a powerful message about something. I'm not sure what though.
5. Hire a homeless guy to dress like your butler and follow you around. She might think you're Batman
6. If a woman approaches you and tries to start a conversation, immediately put your hand in her face and say, "Talk to the palm, 'cause you ain't the bomb."
7. If a woman offers you a drink or cigarette, slap it out of her hand and stomp away angrily.
8. Offer to open the door for her, then slam it in her face and say, "See! You can NEVER HAVE ME!!!"
9. Wear a patch over your eye. No woman thinks she's cool enough to hang with a pirate.
10. Talk with a lisp. This will make her think you have a speech impediment.

Once you have established that you are too good for a woman, you have to let her know that if she tries hard enough, she still can never have you. So keep working on that list till you've accomplished at least half of it with one woman. This will make her crazy with desire for you. Then, when the moment is right…. Leave and never see her again.

I mentioned that bars are the second-best place to find girls. Now I'll tell you the third-best place: The Internet! The internet was invented by a lonely politician around time of the Great Depression. So it really is geared towards romance. Singles chat rooms are full of wonderful, beautiful, talented women. Some of them over the age of 18! Now when it comes to 'net'ting one of these hotties, you need a totally different strategy than in the bar scene. These women like to be worshiped. Some of the best forms of worship can be found in anthropology books. I have seen books like these before, so I'm a pretty good source of info on the topic. In ancient times people really knew how to appease their gods. Now a days, it's hard to find a good virgin sacrifice happening. But that will work to your advantage, because if you come out of nowhere with one of these, she is sure to be surprised. And as with every capture; surprise is half the battle! So buy her a plane ticket, and get ready for a weekend of romance! Here are some ideas about how to use old-fashioned worship rituals to woo you're website wonder once you see her in person. Woo-woo!

1. Blood sacrifices appeal to a woman's sense of bloodiness. Generally, the larger the animal, the more impressed she will be when you slash its throat, spewing ichor over her.
2. Fire is a universal symbol for burning. A woman's eyes will always light up if you show her your passion by lighting part of your body on fire. If you don't have experience with this, start with your hand. It's relatively easy to put out quickly. Once you have mastered that you will eventually be able to engulf your entire body in flames. One warning though: burning hair smells really bad, so try not to burn your hair or you're sure to dampen the mood.
3. Show your faith in her by mutilating yourself and then asking her to heal you. Now, keep in mind there is a fine line here. If you go overboard with this one, you may appear psychotic. Remember, everything in moderation.

Now you may be saying to yourself: "Gee Mr. Knowitall, I've tried all your advice, but still I ain't got no woman! Maybe if you tell me the first-best place to meet one I'd be set." Well, if I told you that, I'd have competition. So forget about it SUCKER!