Confessions of a Quirky Christian Artist

I was at my brother’s football game on Saturday, when I ran into a woman from my parents' church. Observing my new clothes, hair, and accessories, she said, “So what are you? Sixteen?” To which I promptly replied, “I was hoping I could look at least seventeen!” Normally I brush these kinds of criticisms off. But this is a woman I have to respect. She has adopted tons of special needs kids. It takes a pretty phenomenal person to pull that off. And when phenomenal people provide criticism, I want to listen. So I’m sitting here thinking about the perception that she had. She seemed to think I was regressing, since my outward appearance apparently screams ‘teenager’. Of course, being on the inside, I have a different perspective on this all. My feeling is that I am finally getting a chance to wear what I like and style myself according to my own tastes instead of placating a wife. But a valid question is: why are my tastes close enough to immature teenagers ...

Do you know what makes me sad? The thought that no movie is ever going to wow me the way Star Wars did. And by ‘ wow ’, I’m talking about that jaw-on-the-floor, I-can’t-believe-what-I’m-seeing! kind of wow . The kind that can only come from spectacle . Of course a good film never relies on spectacle to carry it. It is certainly one of the least admirable tools in a movie makers tool box. (slightly more admirable than sex) But it has always been my favorite one. And now it seems to have been used so much that it’s completely useless. I think, as a medium, film has shown us every possible form of spectacle at it’s fullest, loudest, and most heavy-handed. You just can’t put any more spaceships, warriors, explosions, robots, horses, or Brad Pitt buttocks on the screen at one time. Battles can never be more epic than they are in Lord of the Rings. Armadas can never have more boats than there were in Troy . Sweeping idyllic vistas can’t have more waterfalls and b...

There are all sorts of ways I’m failing in life. And for the most part I’m OK with that. I’m really floundering at work. My current position does not engage me creatively at all, and as a result I am really apathetic towards it. But I can see how that isn’t the worst thing ever. It leaves a lot of creative energy for personal projects. (But of course I don’t have time for those.) It also makes the fact that I can’t work overtime easier to swallow. In my last job I was an art lead; I was defining my own position, heavily into the design process, and always passionate about everything. That made all the overtime I poured into the job a bit too fun and easy. Now that I’m paying a nanny for every hour I work, I don’t have the option of staying late. And I don’t mind. Since my heart is not in it, my work is suffering. And I feel bad about that. I wish I had a stronger work ethic. I guess I was spoiled at my last job. So I would consider my current work a fa...

It’s been a gradual process, but I’m finally starting to feel some relief in the ‘woman’ department. The pressure to have a woman in my life romantically is subsiding. When I imagine a life without a wife I don’t get that panic-stricken wailing in my head quite as loud. I’m starting to settle on this idea that I made a vow to God that I would stand by this woman until one of us dies. I just really don’t see any way around that. I sure want to. But I can’t. And I’m losing hope that there will be some kind of divine epiphany where I suddenly feel ‘release’ from this thinking. I know God will never override a scriptural concept. He is unchanging. I don’t want to be like those air-heads who say they prayed about it and God said it was OK for them to have sex before marriage, or get drunk when they are with close friends, or leave their spouse and marry their secretary, etc. So any escape from my perceived future of celibacy will come though hermeneutics, not revelat...

As you can see, fashion makes all the difference.

What is this double standard everyone keeps bringing up? This is the argument as I’ve heard it countless times: “Dude, in Europe they show nudity on TV and in ads all the time. But they totally don’t allow really violent stuff to be shown. America is so messed up with our backwards attitudes. We glorify guns and violence, but make kids ashamed of their bodies.” Well, I thought about this for a bit and came up with a response. But first there are two caveats that need to be stated. I do think we glorify violence too much. And I also think we need to work harder to expose our children to art that expresses the beauty that God imbued in the human form. That being said, I don’t think our order of values are being misplaced. (Just stretched way to far.) One problem we have is that the nudity that is shown in films, TV, music, etc. is 90% overtly sexualized. I can think of a few examples like the movies 12 Monkeys and Schindler’s List, where the nudity was...

My church football team had its fist game on Saturday. I had fun, though I feel bad about a bunch of mistakes I made due to my football-ignorance. (I screwed up twice on the whole snap timing thing.) I felt kind of like a foreigner who doesn’t speak the language whenever they were discussing the next play. Button hook, left boot, sweep, pinch the nose, etc. I nodded my head and smiled, then ran around the field like a ninny. But we still won despite my ineptitude. The comedian Brian Regan sums up my knowledge of sports with a line that goes something like, “Yeah! Go my favorite sports team! Score a goal point unit!” I was pretty worried I would mess myself up. At last weeks practice I jammed a finger and pulled a groin muscle. I’ve been hobbling all week. I need to pull my leg into the car with my hands when I sit down because the muscles that normally do that have gone on strike. So I was pleasantly surprised to walk away from the game with only some m...

I did one of those stupid on-line tests that is supposed to determine if I’m over my previous relationship. I passed with flying colors. Which is interesting, because of all the divorcees and people with ex-boy/girl friends I know, I am the least ready to ‘move on’. Sure, I was dumped. But I don’t feel bad about it. I’m not mad at her, or bitter and resentful. I don’t feel like I failed per se. I sure wasn’t perfect, but I see that my biggest fault was not seeking God first and foremost. Naturally, this test completely ignored these spiritual aspects. The reason I can’t move on yet is that I haven’t got a clear message from God concerning the spiritual state of my former marriage. I’ve had Godly people tell me I should move on, and I’ve heard good arguments that say I should not move on until my ex dies. And some that say wait ‘till she remarries. So since I don’t have a clear answer on this, it seems pretty safe to just focus on Christ right now. So th...

I just went clothes shopping for the first time in many years. I’ve lost a bit of weight and I’m swimming in most of my old, raggedy clothes now. I had an item I could return for store credit, so I figured now was the time. Being quite budget-conscious, I kept pretty low expectations. But I found some great sales and ended up buying more than I intended. The thing I hate about clothes shopping is that there seems to be a necessary narcissistic component. (Well, for me at least. Maybe if I had really low self-esteem it wouldn’t be that way.) But it consists of trying on different outfits in front of a mirror and seeing what you look best in. There is something Platonic about that I think. As though I have some perfect form that I am trying to mimic. It would be one thing if it were a strictly mechanical process of determining best form for fit from an aesthetic perspective. But the whole self-expression aspect comes into it. Which really frustrates me to n...

The other night I was doing my daily devotional and a thought popped into my head. I had turned ‘That Darn Girl’ into an idol. And it has been sitting on my heart. And that is where the Spirit is supposed to sit. God helped me knock it down, and I got the greatest rush of fresh air through my soul. I cried thanksgiving to Him for a long time that night. I know I’m still going to have to deal with this crush thing for a while, but now that it is in its proper perspective I think I will be able to handle it better. Here is what I wrote that night… ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Idol It keeps rising up! * The stench brings me down. * The smoke rising up! * The tears coming down. * It’s tearing me up! * It’s breaking me down. This towering idol in my mind Without even knowing I’m playing a part ~ Building this idol I’ve placed in my heart ~ The shrine of my desire is occupied ~ by this i...