Monday, October 25, 2004

My new best friend: Part II

I’m going through a really interesting process right now that I wish I wasn’t. That doesn’t mean it’s bad or unfair. I just didn’t want to deal with it at this point in my life. But I’ll take God’s timing over my own any day.

It involves, (what else?), romance and love. Since I’m not the best looking guy in the world, and I’m divorced with two kids, I figured I’d have plenty of time to figure out if I should pursue a romantic relationship again at some point in my life. But somehow I have two women pursuing me. One of them is easy to ignore because she’s not a Christian and I would never even consider a woman who isn’t as passionate about God as I am.

But then there is my New Best Friend. She would really like me to be free to give her an answer one way or another. So would I. But like I’ve said before, I don’t know if I’ll ever be free of the obligation to stay unattached, just incase my ex has a Saul-to-Paul style conversion. I can’t think of a worse fate for myself. But I do know that if God called me to do it He would provide joy in the task.

So now I need to start researching this thing in earnest. You see, it wouldn’t be a big deal if my new best friend wasn’t such an amazing person. I could just blow it off as a crush, and tell her I’m sorry but I can’t get involved. Well, actually I have said that come to think of it. We have a kind of relationship I’ve never experienced before. In fact, it’s redefining what I thought I could ever expect from a woman. I guess since I’ve only had one type of relationship with women, (besides family) I don’t have a lot of comparisons. Actually, I guess that’s not true. I have some female friends from work. OK, so I’ve had female family, female friends, and a female wife. So I guess that’s 3. But my point is that the relationship with my New Best Friend is not like any of those. Obviously a big element of that is that she is attracted to me. I’m worried that that aspect may be glazing over a lot of holes that would naturally exist in the relationship. It certainly has accelerated things. We haven’t known each other very long, but I have a huge amount of respect for her, and trust her more than I ever did my wife. I certainly have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, so that’s not too surprising to me. We don’t know much of those first-couple-of-dates type questions like, “What’s your favorite band, food, color, and if you were a dog what kind would it be?” crap. But the amount of deep, honesty we share is astounding to me. (For instance, she reads this blog.) I feel like it’s that horrible cliché about our hearts talking. It’s amazing to me how freely we have been talking through our relationship and what it means. Well, mostly it’s her banging her head against a wall and me apologizing for not being able to give her an answer beyond, “RUN AWAY!!!” But those times where we do talk it’s very open and honest. But one of my problems with this arrangement is not being able to match her level of assessment due to my relative inexperience. She can articulate her feelings about me based on experience she has had in other relationships. Then she wants me to tell her how I feel about ‘us’. But the only thing I have to compare ‘us’ to is a traumatic, dysfunctional, abusive relationship. If I had a good relationship with all the fireworks and special effects, then I could have a 0 – 10 scale to put my feelings on. I know my last relationship would score a 0, but I don’t know what a good one would be. So how would I know how close to 'good' we are? Maybe the fact that I don’t know says it all. Or not. I am just so darn ignorant of how these kinds of relationships work and feel. I’m really shooting in the dark. Which is bad, since I think I’m gonna hit someone in the heart. Here are my concerns about our current predicament. (I’ve already talked to my New Best Friend about this all, so I’m not trying to communicate to her on the internet like a coward.)

  1. And most important. I don’t know if I’m free to pursue a relationship. Ever.
  2. I don’t know if I would feel any different if any other smart, mature, Christian girl were pursuing me. I’ve never had anyone want me before. All my feelings for her could be based on the excitement and flattery of having someone see any value in me.
  3. Since I’m not clear on 1 and 2, we are taking a big risk with heartbreak here.

So over the course of the week I’ve compared myself to the-theme-song-to-Jaws warning her away, a train on a track that has an unknown destination, and a Chinese water torture machine. But apparently none of my analogies were scary enough to overcome her desire to be with me romantically. She acknowledges that the desire may never come to fruition, but that she still wants to stick it out. I wish she wouldn’t. For her sake. But then when I think about what a great wife and mother she would make, I can’t help but panic a little at the thought of loosing a chance to at least try it out. But those are selfish thoughts that show a lack of faith. I believe God has a plan for my life. It could include a reunion with a redeemed ex-wife (shudder), not having romance again, or maybe finding a perfect woman for me and my children. Wouldn’t it suck if this were that woman and I pass her up because I haven’t figured out if I’m supposed to wait around the rest of my life? I mean, this is a real special woman. I’ve never met anyone like her before. On the other hand, wouldn’t it suck to tie myself into a decision that hurts us both? One thing is for sure… I’d really like to lay low for a while and sort things out for myself. But I’m also a lazy jerk, and often need a kick in the pants before I’ll do anything. So I’m going to get some books on the subject of divorce and the Bible and start looking into it. Just for the sake of my new best friend.

1 Comments:

Blogger Alisa B said...

Actually....I do know the answers to those questions...and it comes from paying attention to you...which i do do, maybe to much..urgh!:-) 1) Favorite Band is Demon Hunter 2)Colors, at least as of now in your current state are RED and BLACK 3)Favorite food....Outback Alice Chicken!! And if I had to guess on what kind of dog you would be I would say a cross between a jack russel and a black lab.
I heart NERDS!!!

11:12 PM  

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