Tuesday, October 19, 2004

My new best friend

So there is this girl I met at church. She is a really cool chick. And by chick I mean woman. We get along really well and can hang out and just be comfortable with each other. She is super sweet and caring, and blah blah blah… I get the picture. Anyway…

One of the things I really like about her is the straight foreword manner in which she communicates her feelings. For instance; I think it was the second or third time we hung out that she told me she had a crush on me. (Now before I go thinking what a bastard I was, let me remind myself that I had already made it clear at that point that I was not available.) But I gotta give massive respect points to a girl who can lay it all out there and take what comes. This woman has been through more crap in her life than anyone I know, and yet she is really mature and not bitter. I think I can learn a lot from her.

So the natural problem is that I can’t reciprocate her feelings towards me in any honorable way. But she is such a comfort to me. A calefacient for my current hebetudinous disposition. In fact, I have been deriving physical comfort from her as well. No you pervert! Not that kind. I just mean snuggling and such. Which is bad if I want to be at all consistent in my stance on my inability to be sure about where my former marriage is in the spiritual spectrum. I want to leave all the possibilities open just in case God taps me on the shoulder and says, “Hey, do this or that.” I don’t want to be in a position where 'this or that' would hurt someone.

Then there are my emotions. Stupid emotions! I’m not in love with this girl. But judging by my current trajectory I’ve calculated that I will be by next Thrusday at 3:47 pm. (Pacific Standard Time) I’m not freaking out about it or anything, but I do need to figure out how to address the issue. I’m not going to let emotions dictate a decision I may regret later. This particular problem is about 3 times removed from my logic line. 1. I don’t know if I should ever have a romance again. 2. If I am supposed to, I don’t know that it should be with this woman. 3. If it is supposed to be with her, I don’t know when the appropriate time for that would be.

In conclusion, I feel really sorry for this poor girl. She likes a very confused man who shows no sign of becoming less confused any time soon. So taking a cue from her, I have told her this pretty clearly. And repeatedly. But I’m sure the physical contact - innocuous as it may be - is undermining the verbal message. So I need to stop. But that’s going to be hard for me. I have never had a woman show me affection this way before, and I don’t want to loose the small comfort it provides me. But I’m still a jerk for sending mixed signals.

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