Friday, August 20, 2004

I’m pathetic. But not in that self-loathing sort of way.

I used to be embarrassed about my foibles. Now they amuse me. Well, they still embarrass me, but they also amuse me. Here is a good example... I’m a spaz. No doubt about it. It annoys even me. I’ve always had a propensity for physical shenanigans like falling down stairs and flipping over rails. Why? Because I can. And I’m sure there is some deep-seated emotional issue involved as well.

So here I am at the Century Ball Room in Seattle with my church group. We are trying to learn to swing dance. I’ve met most of them a time or two, but don’t know anyone very well. So naturally, this is a time for a cool, calm demeanor. Have some relaxed conversations… So naturally I did the opposite. I danced like a fool, flipped onto my back a couple of times and, I was told later, pulled up a girls shirt a bit. (I didn’t mean to, honest!) I even danced with a gay guy who had studs all over his face and leopard spots tattooed on his scalp. So I made a complete ass of myself and instantiated that image of me on everyone’s mind.

Last night, that evening of moronic behavior popped into my head again. Strangely enough, the thought just made me laugh. So now a bunch of people I would like to be friends with think I’m an idiot. That’s funny. No really, it is! It makes me realize one of those little power games we always play in our heads. I now have absolutely no power or respect to work with when it comes to building relationships with these people. What a great opportunity I have now. I am forced to be humble. I have to approach them all with an honest and sincere heart. I can’t put on any airs. Which is cool!

This is what I’ve learned about humility so far. It’s not an attribute that you can build, like kindness or patience. It’s a simple recognition of your place in the natural order of things. And that recognition is only attainable through a relationship with God. It’s a gift He can give you if you ask. That is why I can’t be proud of my humility. I think.

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