Friday, August 20, 2004

Puppy love stinks!

I’ve only had one girlfriend in my life. And I ended up marrying her. So when it comes to the issues covered in pop music, the dating and breaking-up business, I’m quite the greenhorn. I remember listening to Linkin Park's latest album last year, and really feeling the emotions and attitudes he was expressing, then thinking to myself, “Wow, for a kid, that guy has a lot of wisdom and insight.” Then I realized I was the immature one. I was connecting to his words because I was going through my very first break-up.

Well, now that I’ve done what just about everyone in the universe has done by the time they are 14, I’m on the flip side of it. Now I’m developing crushes. Now I’m pathetic in that self loathing kind of way. So what do I do about this? I don’t know. I’ve prayed that God would help me to redirect these feelings into something healthy. I thought maybe I could shunt them into my boys. But the fact is that I already love them as much as I can. There is nothing lacking in my relationship with my beautiful children.

There is this particular woman I am particularly smitten with. Way out of my league. She’s a Christian, beautiful, smart, easy-going, fun-loving, has a neat family, likes my kids, etc. But there are about 8, maybe 9 HUNDRED reasons I shouldn’t even be thinking about her this way. Well, unless I examine each one under a microscope, and find ways of dissecting them, studiously extracting what I want. Then I could say I thought it through, and I should go for it. But I’m seeing a Gestalten effect at work here. One that can’t be ignored.

So I now have to figure out what every Jr. in high school has already known. What do I do with these feelings? Actually, it’s not as bad as it sounds. A couple of nights ago I wrote down my feelings. I talked to God. I told Him how miserable this was making me. I told Him He said His burden was light. And you know, come to think of it, it hasn’t been half as bad lately. I guess this whole “Give it to God” thing might be more than the bumper-sticker theology I assumed it was.

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