Saturday, August 21, 2004

My unique work environment and the joy of losing lust

I work at a computer game company. I do art and design for the levels of a massive multiplayer on-line game. For the most part it is the most professional and politically correct game company I have ever worked at. We have a diverse staff of around 70. We have minorities, homosexuals, and an admirable female to male ratio. (For a game company.) Instead of cubicles, there are several rooms with 5-8 employees against the walls, monitors facing the center of the room. So that cuts down on the rampant porn and IMing that goes on at most of the other places I’ve worked. Of course each room has a different atmosphere due to the different combinations of people. Somehow I ended up in a little bubble of putrescence within the PC atmosphere of the rest of the company. And the sad thing is that the putrescence is an exact mirror of my darker side. In fact, I’m one of the worst in there. The only one worse than me when it comes to vulgar humor is the cute Korean (Born, but raised in the US) girl who sits across from me. She has said the most absolutely vile things I have ever heard. Literally. I’m not saying that in a judgmental way. She is an awesome person and great friend. But I think she could make porn star blush. Like I said, I’m wired the same way, so I don’t have room to talk.
What is interesting to me is how my recent spiritual renewal seems to have had no effect on my coarse humor at work. It is strange to me because in every other area of my life I am changing. I can’t express in words how in love with God I am right now. How much I feel His presence and comfort regularly. How His Spirit stirs mine to thanksgiving so often.
So why can’t I stop being gross? It’s not like I’m beating myself up over this or anything. As I’ve grown closer to God, (or rather, as He has grown me) I’ve found that I am motivated to change out of love for Him, not because I’m afraid of breaking rules. I have seen His renewal of my mind in other areas. For example, I used to have real issues with lust. Nature would dictate that since I’ve gone over a year without sex now, I should be going crazy. But God has brought me great peace in this area. He knows I can’t handle it right now. It’s not a matter of mind over matter or any other such nonsense. It’s God’s grace over my mind. My co-worker has asked me about how much I sexually think about the girls I’m attracted to. I was shocked as I thought it over… I just don’t. I can’t. Well, I’m sure I could if I tried, but what would be the point of that? I still have a crazy crush, (see entry below) but I really don’t think naughty thoughts about her at all. Maybe I just respect her too much… Although, I’ve found that I don’t have sexual fantasies about anyone I know, no matter how attractive they might be. Boy, that is something I can’t take any credit for. I just can’t thank God enough for how He is changing me. Which brings me back to the subject at hand… When will the constant stream of double entendres, vulgar jokes, and other deleterious crap stop coming out of my mouth?
“You are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me. This is what I pray.”

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why does it seem God just "takes away" some of the rotten stuff we deal with and then He leaves something else for us to deal with? Your lust is gone, but the grossness isn't. I don't have the answer, but I do have some thoughts. I guess, first, read Ephesians 5, especially verses 1-4. You mentioned respect for the woman of your thoughts as being a help to keep the thoughts pure. As your love affair with God deepens, that same respect can help you not want to hurt Him or offend Him. You are now His representative at your work place, and people are WATCHING big time. Maybe this is one area He will help you after you take that first step to deny your tongue the freedoms it has had over the years. God bless. Luck has nothing to do with it. :-)

9:59 AM  

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