Friday, August 20, 2004

So who am I? What am I?

Being freshly divorced, (Which is akin to being freshly disemboweled.) I am questioning the future. Unfortunately, the future doesn’t want to talk to me. I’m doing a lot of those clichéd just-divorced maneuvers like changing my diet and exercising. I haven’t bought a fancy new sports car though. One of the differences between me and most newly-divorced men is that my kids live with me 100% of the time. So I have to spend most of my free time doing Mr. Mom stuff.

I’m going to this fantastic church, Lake Sammamish Foursquare, and loving all the people I have met so far. I started going to their college and career group. And here is my problem. Well, I have lot’s of problems. Here is one of them… I’m older than every single person in that group. None of them have been married. None of them have kids. So why am I going? Because I have more in common with them than people who are married with kids. Those folks are usually 10 years older than me. I seem to occupy this gray area where very few others are. I’m a relatively young, gregarious artist with no significant other; but I also have kids. I certainly fit in better with the younger crowd. But I have this uncomfortable feeling that I’m like those GIs who would drive by the high school looking for chicks. *shudder* Except that I’m not looking for chicks!!!

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Which is a great segue to this little introspective question… What exactly am I now? I am legally divorced. My ex is no where to be found. (At least for the past half-year.) But I made a vow before God that I would love her “till death us do part.” I fought the divorce for years. I always thought that it should just never be an option. Well, I thought that until my kids ended up at a crack-dealers house. Then I didn’t see any other option. Divorce was the only way to get custody of the kids to keep them safe. That was God’s way of saving me from endless tergiversation I think.

So now that it is all over, what am I supposed to do with myself? I have read the Basic Life Principals material on this subject. They say that I should wait for my ex until one of us dies. Even if she gets remarried, I can’t ever marry again. The concept behind this is a focus on the covenant that is made in marriage, and how serious God is about covenants. Then, on the other side of the coin are my dad and others that have told me that the new covenant is to love God and Love others as your self. And my kids need a mom. Therefore, I should be open to that possibility.

Being a romantic at heart, I do deeply desire a relationship again. Well, not necessarily right away. But sometime. So I’ll continue to wait and pray for guidance.

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